Because I'm a good student I've been doing a lot of reading about blogging. I have read several "how to" blogs. I thought I'd give it a go. As far as I can tell, this then is the ultimate blog post. You're welcome.
Here's a big "shouty" headline. Yeah, I know, it's low resolution but it's ORANGE! So, I get 10 point for using orange because apparently that's a "rule" or a "thing" and I have purposely used a pretty awful font. The headline is compelling though, because you're eyes like the colors and your brain is trying to define "shouty" which means that I'm attempting to grab your attention.
You're supposed include a "list". People love to read lists. So, fine. Here's my list of things I hate about lists. I know you read the headline because it is purple. Awwwww...Inside all of us is an 11 year old girl.
• 1) Making me read a list is an assumption that my attention span is no longer than a list with no more than 25 items.
• 2) This list is going to contain information that is neither educational nor useful, so you've just wasted your time, but you've read a list.
• 3) If I'm reading your list I have successfully navigated through a number of ads. In my attempt to read your list if I click on the wrong arrow for "next" then I'm going to be directed to a list of ways to reduce my belly fat.
• 4) If these are targeted ads then I am really insulted that you think I'm concerned about belly fat. That's kinda personal. I'll eat an banana or an avocado every day if I have to, but I'm pretty sure that diet and exercise are the "trick" to removing belly fat.
• 5) It's harder to spell "avocado" from memory than you think. My brain wants to spell it "a-v-a-c-a-d-o" and spellcheck doesn't like that. Thank you Google.
• 6) I'm now knee deep in your recipe and I haven't got a lot of time. I am making your crock pot beef and noodles because I'm in a rush, so I don't have time to read about you and your grandson's trip to the pond to feed the geese stale bread while I'm trying to get through an ingredient list. Thanks though. He IS a cutie!
• 7) I'm already a subscriber to a daily horoscope, so I don't want to know what my horoscope is for the next decade. I really just want to know what the next...
You're not a Capricorn? Sorry! Keep reading this list though, because your sign might be listed after my next bullet point!
• 8) The Baldwin brothers are all aliens.
• 9) Alec Baldwin is living a life of misery pretending to be human, all the while living as a man trapped in a woman's body!
• 10) Thank GOD! I'm at the end of this miserable list. Keep reading for the simplest recipe for scrumptious dog treats.
Just kidding! There's no recipe for scrumptious dog treats. Dogs like other dogs' butts. Give them a Milk Bone. They're fine with that. I love Bull Dogs.
Above is an actual list of the top 10 dog treat recipes. (That means I can mark another item from my "to do list", which is link your blog back to others' blogs. Apparently this is just common sense and good blogging form. It may encourage others to link back to your blog which will increase your number of "views" and "likes" and "pins" and "shares".
You're almost ready to publish your own blog! I'd make a list of top ten ways to start your own blog, but that would be redundant. There are over a million results on Google for the proper way to blog. Good luck weeding through all of the twisted tendrils of blogging for beginners. You'll be just fine. My advice is to just be authentic. Whatever you do be AUTHENTIC. People can see right through your attempt to adopt someone else's style.
For good measure I'm ending this blog post today with another bit of wisdom from bloggers everywhere. Always include cute animal videos. Warning: you will have to sit through a short Tide advertisement. Tide is good though, and we all need clean clothes.
I hope you have been informed, entertained and educated by my "Ultimate Blog Post". Please share on Pinterest. Please to mindful though, that it's bad etiquette to repin an ENTIRE person's Pinterest page. Don't be that person. Pin, but to not RAID my Pinterest board, for I shall be forced to BLOCK you from ALL of my precious boards.
Have a great weekend! I will post some way less predictable blog posts nest week. Mostly in story form because that is my authentic voice. If you like to see cute cat videos though, please post that in the comments and I will be sure to oblige you! ~ Namaste, Natalie